If you don’t want people wondering or asking if you’re expecting, be sure to avoid all of following behaviors at all times. — Ordering a non-alcoholic beverage when out to dinner with your friends. Saying “No thank you” when a random guy at a bar asks if he can “buy you a drink.” Saying “No thank you” to your auntie when she offers you red wine on Thanksgiving. (You only like white wine…

This is fine. I even saw a sign. This is allowed. — 1. Right away, you look around to make sure you aren’t the only one showing this much skin. You’re not. Phew! 2. You continue to look around from time to time to see if there are other people there who are more covered-up than you are. There are. Uh oh! …

I’m over-worn, overworked, and under-appreciated. — Dear Human Resources, My name is Black Leggings, and this is my grievance against my boss, Ashley, the 33-year-old white woman who has been employing me for three years now. …

Follow these steps in order to achieve a (hopefully somewhat satisfactory) outcome. — You’ve been deemed your best friend’s Best Man for his upcoming nuptials. This is a true honor. However, in addition to wearing a suit and standing next to your friend on his big day, your main purpose is to plan a bachelor party for your brother-from-another-mother. Follow the steps below…

Published on Little Old Lady Comedy When you said, “Save those bananas, honey; I’m gonna make banana bread this weekend!” Janet, you know that ain’t happening. But still, good effort. And thank you. We are so very appreciative of your hospitality. When your daughter said, “I’m really gonna stick to…

“So, are you and your husband going to start trying?” excitedly asks my coworker, who had to get a hysterectomy at age 34 due to vaginal prolapse, as well as incontinence and pelvic floor issues, all directly caused by the births of her three children. “You’ll probably regret not having…

Little do they know that you too were once a commoner just like them. — As you saunter through the airplane kingdom, calmly skipping all queues, the nomadic peasants admire you, in awe of your royal privileges. The commoners whisper of how you may have come to achieve your upper-class status, many guessing that it must have been by birthright. Little do they know that…

Yes, from the Train song. Yes, you “can’t wait to” meet me. Me and all my unexplained, fucked up, self-sabotaging habits. — Published on The Daily Drunk No doubt you’ve heard of me. Virginia. Yes, the Virginia. Yes, from the Train song “Meet Virginia.” Yeah, you “can’t wait” to meet me. But you don’t really want to. Trust me. I’m pretty fucked. …

You won’t find these duds in stores. — First up! Some authentic apparel for a baby girl whose parents have no filter.